this is an post on how i feel right now and dont bother to read if you dont wanna get fed up with me wtf.
nope i'm not angry.just feeling on the blue side today..
was feeling bored after doing moral assignment at home..why on earth do we have to take moral studies anyway?malaysian stil dont have moral these days...anyways..
so after chatting with some friends..i decided to get my butt out of the house and just escape for awhile..
parents have been presuring me with studies..i cant stand it anymore..
so i thought hanging out with friends was a good idea..
i thought they're the ones i can depend on when i'm sad...
but i'm not planning to tell my so-sad story to ruin their mood..
just keep quiet..crack some jokes and laugh to get over it..
things just dont turn out the way i expected..
they dont expect me to crash their plan..
they were doing things for my upcoming bday...
i knew about that but i asked whether i could just go over for awhile..
but all the time there..
i felt uncomfortable ...
we dint really talk much and i was in a corner..doing my stupid moral assignment watching anime...
the anime was funny..although i laughed but i know deep down i was unhappy..
it makes me feel guilty and unwanted,,
like i gate-crashed a party or intruded something i should not get myself into..
well..my friends kept to themselves and they did said things to make me feel guilty..
although i know they did not mean it..
but i was hurt and i got no where to go...
keep telling myself to get over it and smile like nothing happened ...
but there are times where you just cant find the energy to smile..
i dont blame them...
then we went for a short jog...
this is a good time for me to get away from everything..
i thought a lot that time..
my friends do sense that something is wrong with me buti just smile and said nth is wrong..
dont want them to think i'm a sensitive person..
i thought a lot during that period of time..
mostly reevaluating myself...
i know i'm not a good person...
not even a good friend...
sometimes i think i'm a pain in the ass ..
but everytime when i did something wrong or oversaid some things..
i tend to blame myself and often i felt sorry deep down but never have the courage to undo my mistakes...
i know sometimes i tend to hurt my friends without realising it ...
i'm sorry ..
sometimes being with my friends...
i felt left out and unwanted...
like i'm not one of the crowd..
maybe i'm just too sensitive wtf
but that's who i am anyway...
mayb because of bearing too much scars left by past frienships that i tend to take caution everytime being with friends..
i find it hard to share my own stories with them..
not because i dun want to..
i just dunno where to start..
sometimes my friend thinks i'm emoing when i'm quiet...
but deep down i'm nmot unhappy..
just quiet...
why do i always have to be first one to speak up...
i'm fed up with doing such things..
i dun think it's necessary to talk all the time...
sometimes being quiet has its advantage..
it's a time for you to stop talking and listen..
is it a wrong thing?
i wonder...
i'm sorry..
i dont usually express myself well..
i tend to hide what i really felt and smile and goof around if i'm sad..
i just wanna forget all the sad things as i believe happiness is important..
i really appreciate my friends too even they did ot realise it...
i hope one day i'll have the courage to do what i never did
and i'll try to be a better friend...
Hey!! After reading this post, it reminds me what you ever told me. I had those ordeal experience like you before and I agreed that sometime, we just cant trust people around to share because we don't want the history to repeat to deepen the wound in our heart.
Living in the past is like holding another old bulky burden and carry it together to the future. Isn't that suffering when you have so much to carry yet you have to hold the grudges before to add on your pain and keep reminding yourself about the painful memory?
It takes time, courage and willingness to forget what has happened before to live with the lesson you learnt but yet deleted the painful memories.
Sometime, i contemplated, could all the memories be sweet, or at least not bitter? The answer is yes, if I think it is in another way round.
Everyone hopes friends could stay forever by our side and especially at the critical time we need but when one really has left, we couldn't blame because they are only friends and they have their live to carry on. And we should be grateful that they left by reminding us, friends always give what we cant seek from home but it is too little that we have to appreciate from time to time.
Everyone aint perfect and everyone does mistake. You couldn't judge yourself as a bad friend when you do mistake sometime. So is that we shall list everyone as bad friends? No right?
Don't doubt yourself girl. We don't know the most of you but at least we know you are not a bad friend after all. It just happened that you need a moment of silence when you're not in the mood.
You gotta put in more trust and faith that we are your friends whom you can lean on and open up your heart. Otherwise, you will be suffering to keep everything to yourself.
Don't ever worry that sharing out what is in your mind would turn us down. Friends are there to listen and share your ups and downs. If you never tell, how are we gonna know what's in your doctorate mind? =P You should give us a chance to be your listener =)
Step out another step and move forward like how you did in the pass few months. You can do it, just that you have lost your confident at this point of time.
Take care and cheers! Love ya always like usual!
*big bear hug for YOU =) *
Loves by,
Kelly